How To Spot A Twatwaffle


A reader asked me to share my thoughts on identifying a two-timing snake, which is a question I get asked most often.   These classic examples of a twatwaffle’s characteristics (in my opinion) are something I hear quite frequently when speaking with friends about someone they just started dating. It’s like witnessing a child falling off their bike and scraping their knees. When you see it happen, you can’t help but to tense up, clench your jaw, and squeal, “eeesh, that had to hurt!” That’s what happens to me. It’s painful to watch and hear. Without further ado, here are my top 10 red flags on How To Spot A Twatwaffle.

He might be a Twatwaffle if he: (these are in no particular order)

1. Takes his phone EVERYWHERE. Okay, I understand that dudes like to take their phone into the bathroom to watch sports and play games while they’re pooping; however, I’m talking about when he gets paranoid or seems panicked that he left his phone unattended and it’s within your reach. HUGE red flag that he is hiding something, like his OTHER girlfriend. If he angles his phone down or away from your view when he receives an incoming call or text, GTFO!

2. Doesn’t answer your phone calls, but sends delayed text messages. If he is in a meeting, that’s one thing. Most people, don’t typically have meetings at work that last 24 hours and prohibit phone calls or any form of communication. Red flag.

3. Doesn’t call you for days or weeks at a time, and then acts like everything is all good. There is absolutely no reason (other than death) that a person would not reach out frequently, especially if it’s someone they’re into. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you’re never too busy to send a text. You mean to tell me, you have been so busy you haven’t picked up your phone once to do anything? I don’t think so!

4. Tells you he really wants to see you, but makes every excuse as to why he can’t.  “I didn’t know my Great Aunt Bea was in town (everyday for a month).” My favorite, “I’m SO tired.” Yeah, we all are! Sitting on the couch at 10 p.m. looking fabulous on a Saturday night is extremely disappointing. If he wants to see you and if he really likes you, he will go the distance to make it happen.

5. Doesn’t tip servers at all or well.  If a person doesn’t tip at all or well is a rotten sack of shit. Unless your dining experience was THAT horrible, I can understand not tipping or that well. Understand this: servers only make an hourly wage that’s a few bucks, so they depend on tips. Tips are what gets their bills paid and families fed. If Prince Curmudgeon doesn’t tip well or at all, he has zero respect for people in the service industry. Get to steppin’ girl.

6. Drinks excessively. If he gets wasted on the first date… RED FLAG! If he drinks with the sole purpose of getting wasted, more than likely, this is a “normal” thing for him and you don’t want to be part of that train wreck.

7. Treats his parents like garbage. If he treats his parents like crap, his PARENTS, the very people who brought his ratchet-ass into this world, what makes you think he is going to treat you better? Please list reasons, I’ll wait…

8. Sends you dick pics prior to meeting you. Yes, I said IT. Thankfully, I started dating my husband before the era of penis selfies. I don’t even understand why anyone would think its acceptable? If he is sending you pictures of his one-eyed monster before meeting you, he doesn’t have any respect for you or any female, and only wants ONE thing… and it isn’t your heart. If you’re responding to these pics with cute emojis or sending pics  back, you’re sending a whole other kind of message; one that encourages disrespectful and inappropriate behavior, and that you’re actually into it! Listen to me, don’t engage in dick pics  prior to meeting a guy and getting to know him, it leads to nothing good.

9. Displays any kind of aggression or violence. Picture this: you guys get done with dinner and he receives a call from his baby mama, who is yelling about something. He quickly and angrily gets off the phone, and starts yelling obscenities about hr and punches the steering wheel….Red flag! Everyone gets angry, but if he displays it in such a way that makes people around him uncomfortable, get out now. You don’t know him and if it’s only been a few dates and he’s already showing you this side, do you really want to stick around to see how far he can go?

10. Doesn’t stand up for you when hanging out with his douche-y friends. If you’re hanging out with Cupid, and the peanut gallery (his friends) start showing him pictures of the girls they hooked up with last night, and he doesn’t defend you or your relationship by saying something, “No bro, I don’t want to see, no girl compares to mine” or “dude, my girl is right here, don’t be a dick.” Leave. If he ACTUALLY looks, you have my permission to throw your drink in his face, and then leave.

Above all, STOP making excuses for these guys. I have heard the craziest reasons women have made for men who weren’t really into them. We all have that little voice that tells us something isn’t right, listen to it! It’s called your intuition, and she’s always right!




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